I’ve been dating a new guy for about a month. We’ve gone out on five dates so far. The first two dates he acted like a perfect gentleman, but over the last three he became more and more physically aggressive with me, mostly trying to move his hands around my body. After the fourth date, I actually told him that I didn’t appreciate him constantly being so “handicapped” around me, and I politely and firmly asked him to stop this behavior.
Well, on our fifth date, he waited a little longer in the evening to start again with his hands, but then he went way too far, and I had to push his hands away and scold him once more. That last time actually drove me a little crazy, because he knew in advance that I didn’t want him to do that anymore.
My problem is mutual friends have invited the two of us as a couple to a special holiday party in just over a week. I’m very interested in going to this party, but I know that if we can go on what would be our sixth date together, he’s likely to commit some of the same undesirable actions he’s done in the past. I don’t want to go through that again, but on the other hand, I don’t want to miss what is sure to be a big end-of-year party.
— Feel Searched, via email
Dear Feeling Frisked: Plan to go to the party, but not as her date. He lost the right to date you because of his less courteous behavior. See if you can get to the party with some of your other friends. And even if you see him at the party, just say a very brief hello to him, but don’t spend any more direct time with him. He will probably get the message that his past actions have rightly driven you away.
Once a guy has been made clear that he is crossing a line, whatever it may be, he is disrespecting and devaluing his date by continuing undesirable behavior. Often, bigger issues develop later in relationships that manifest as a result of the initial issue that caused the unsavory behavior. Don’t expect this type of behavior to just go away. Value yourself and avoid spending time with people like this guy.
Dear Dr. Wallace: My daughter wants to dye her hair another color! She has beautiful brown hair, but she wants to have part of it cut and dyed dark red for some reason. She’s 17, so I feel like I still have a say in her for at least another year.
Personally, I don’t like the idea of her changing her hair color. All in all, she’s a good girl who does well in school and stays out of trouble, so this recent request upset me a bit, if you know what I mean. Do you think that’s a question I should challenge her on? Or should I just let her dye her hair her “new” favorite color?
— Mother very surprised, by e-mail
Dear Surprised Mom: Consider the fact that within a year she will be an adult at 18 and can change her hair anyway to whatever color she prefers at that time. You’ve indicated that she’s a good student with good citizenship, so why rock the family boat on what is really a minor issue in the big picture of things that many families face?
Maybe tell her that dyeing her hair isn’t your first choice when it comes to adjusting her appearance, but if it’s an important issue for her, you’ll support her and her new hairstyle. Over time, she may decide to change her hair on her own at some point, and what she’ll end up remembering years later is that you supported her rather than confronting you with her on this issue, even if you disagreed with her at the time. choice.
I suggest that you save any future conflict with your daughter to be restrained for truly monumental matters that are non-negotiable on your end. And I hope you never have any big clashes from here. When you’re both a little older, you’ll probably laugh about it one day. For now, bite your lip, smile, and wish her luck with her new hairstyle.