Lori Borgman
I’m too pragmatic to be on the cutting edge of fashion.
When I saw a photo of Kylie Jenner wearing a simple black dress with a huge life-size faux taxidermy lion head attached, my first thought was: will she be able to sit down to eat when the food is served?
How can she keep her balance?
Will she be able to navigate this monstrosity in a toilet cubicle?
I’m so mundane that I check the weather app before deciding what to wear. My favorite fashion advisor is the local meteorologist.
I’m so lacking in imagination that I’ve never probed the possibilities in my closet and thought, “I wonder what an artist’s interpretation of an animal head would look like.”
Perhaps a trend that falls under the rubric of “fashion regrets” is the faux taxidermy accessory. Far be it from me to cast the first shoulder pad; I live with my own fashion regrets.
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Grandma dresses with long skirts and big sleeves were popular when I was in high school. I felt wonderfully fashionable walking down the hallway between history and math. I looked like one of the Ingalls girls from “Little House on the Prairie.”
In my early years of motherhood, large lace collars on dresses were all the rage. They were feminine and refined. I tried to convince my mother to have one. She declined, saying it would look like she had buried her head in a tablecloth. I immediately knew why I always wanted to eat porcelain when I wore this dress.
Mom jeans were one of the few fashion trends I was on board with. I just heard they went out of fashion a while ago.
Big hair had great hold. It’s the only trend I’ve ever been on. Big hair is past, present and future because my hair correlates with humidity. Again, with the meteorologist my fashion advisor.
Jane Fonda’s workout videos popularized leggings. The leggings were like long evening gloves without the part for your fingers, only you wore them on your legs.
Even now I wonder, why? What were we thinking?
Today I read that the big blazer is the latest fashion; everyone who is someone is going to swim in one. True to its name, the big blazer is enormous, with huge, oversized sleeves and an A-line cut so generous it could accommodate you and three friends.
If I wore one of the big blazers, one of the big ones would ask me if I was playing dress up. Someone else asked me if I was too old to make tricks or treats, and I wondered if I seriously thought I could put a seat belt around all the fabric.
A designer was quoted saying to women, “Go for the oversized fit, and it will suit you.
This is exactly what worries me.
Lori Borgman is a columnist, author and speaker. Her book “What Happens at Grandma’s Stays at Grandma’s” is now available. Email him at [email protected]
